Yazoo Street Scandal

Whoops

2009-04-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

Hey, sorry for not having posted anything since the middle of March.

I forgot my password (it was bilbobaggins).

I'll post more often from now on. Then again, I'd just about have to.

Oh noes

2009-03-11T15:16:00.004-04:00

If Bristol 'n' Levi can't make it work, what chance do any of the rest of us have?

The complete article, which sadly is not available online, purports to have the details about "the hate-filled text message Bristol sent Levi." It probably read something like this:

OMFG U R SUCH A FAG!! I AM GOING 2 HAVE JON MCCANE KICK YR STUPID ASS! I WISH I NEVER FUCKED U!!!! PS TELL YR MOMS I NEED MORE METH K?

Remains of the day

2009-03-11T13:47:00.002-04:00

This is what can happen when people value the fetus above all things: no fewer than six cops break into the residence, without a search warrant, of a woman who suffered a miscarriage, and who had been trying to dispose of the fetal remains with dignity and in accordance with the law.

I hope these people sue the hell out of the Glendale, California, police department.

This can't be good

2009-03-10T12:14:00.002-04:00

At least one chimpanzee began to amass an arsenal of rocks with which he intended to assault zoo visitors.

Apparently Santino, the chimp in question, began stockpiling his weapons of mass contusion as far back as 1997, so for once this can't even be pinned on the George W. Bush administration.

Yay

2009-03-08T16:24:00.002-04:00

The best drama on television begins its second season this evening. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.

An' a one toke over the line

2009-03-01T00:56:00.002-05:00

I wonder how many stoners watching the Lawrence Welk show for giggles back in the day stumbled upon this and vowed never to get high again.

Socks to be you

2009-02-24T20:18:00.005-05:00

Astute readers of this blog, assuming that I have any, have surely noticed that I haven't been posting for a while. For like three weeks, actually.

Why not, Anthony? I can hear you saying. Is there something wrong? Can we help in any way?

First off, let me say that I am fine. Rumors that I have been in Switzerland to get a total blood transfusion are false, no matter what you may have heard elsewhere. Nor have I gotten into any legal trouble.

I have been away for a very good reason. A few weeks ago, I learned that a close friend of mine was ill, very ill indeed. I canceled all my commitments and immediately took the next flight out so I could be by his side. I tried to get him the best medical care available. Experimental treatments did prolong his life for a few days, but ultimately ol' Killy McGee had his way, as he always does, and about ten days ago, the best friend I ever had left this earth.

I speak, of course, of Socks the Cat, or as he was known to his closest friends, STC.

STC had cancer of the jaw, which made it nearly impossible for him to drink his daily saucer of beer. After consulting with Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton, as well as Socks's last owner (as if anyone could own such a magnificent, free-thinking animal) Betty Currie, we decided to put Socks down. And after we put him down, we picked him up again, and drove him to a veterinarian, who injected him with a massive shot of phenobarbital, in honor of Abbie Hoffman, whose life was an inspiration to STC since his kitten days.

After a tasteful cremation ceremony, we scattered Socks's ashes over Wrigley Field, as per his frequent request.

Those of us who knew and loved Socks the Cat, and we are legion, will never forget that amazing feline and his many contributions to our civic life. We will not know his like again.

RIP, STC.

Bong hits 4 Phelps

2009-02-03T20:55:00.002-05:00

Rodney Balko, also known as The Agitator, wrote the letter that he wishes Michael Phelps had written. Here's an excerpt:

I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.

Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours.

Here's the whole thing.

I myself smoked pot only one time: the time between 1975 and 1987. But even though it's been more than 21 years since I've taken a toke (inhaling secondhand smoke at a Neil Young concert simply does not count, even if I did have to lean in a little to get some), I think it's insane that it's against the law to smoke some kind herb, while it's perfectly legal to buy, for about $20, enough booze to get two or three people completely shitfaced.

Slammed

2009-02-03T20:35:00.006-05:00

"Which one of you assholes ordered the free Grand Slam? Oh, that's right. All of you did."

Since I don't get high any more, I don't have any reason to eat at Denny's. But today they were giving away free Grand Slam breakfasts (two pancakes, two eggs, two sausage links, two strips of bacon) between the hours of 6 AM and 2 PM, so I thought what the hell, I'm always up for some free cholesterol early in the morning.

This morning I got up early and swung by the home of my colleague Randal Graves, who is also a mooch of some reknown, and we drove to the nearest Denny's, the one mentioned in this story. We got there at 6:15 AM. I figured that there would be no line at that unholy hour.

I figured wrong. As we pulled into the parking lot we could tell that the place was hopping. When we drove alongside the place, we could see that all the tables and booths were filled, and a line had formed. There was no way we were going to get served and still make it to work on time.

"Fuck this," one of us said. Okay, it was me. I said it. We decided to abandon our free Grand Slam dream and went to eat breakfast at a local diner instead. It was good, but it wasn't free. It wasn't even cheap, for that matter. We made it to work on time, though.

Randal and I tried and we failed, and as Homer Simpson taught us long ago, the lesson is: never try. I can't speak for Randal, but from now on I'm sticking with my usual breakfast: a cup of coffee and a piece of beef jerky. Believe me, there's no better way to start the day.

An untimely Inaguration Day recap

2009-01-29T12:12:00.009-05:00

As you know, I attended the inauguration ceremony last week.

My friend J. and drove from Cleveland to the Vienna, Virginia Metro station, where we took a train to the office of Congressman Dennis J. Kucinich to get our tickets. This is what we saw when we got off the Metro train:It took us a while to get our bearings, but we eventually figured out how to get to the Rayburn House Office Building.

When J. and I were finally let in, we tried to find Kucinich's office. A woman in the building asked if we needed help. We told her who we were there to see and she smiled. "I'm his scheduler," she said. "I'll take you there."

She did. Kucinich was in the office, accompanied by his wife and his brother. Dennis was shaking hands and posing for pictures but his wife demurred, claiming she didn't feel photogenic that day. I did get my picture taken with The Kooch, and I took one of him with J. as well.

We got our ticket packet and thanked everyone, then we made our way back to the Capital South Metro station. We had to wait in line for about an hour but eventually we got our train back to Vienna.

From there we drove to a Red Roof Inn in Manassas. After checking in, J. and I went out to eat at a nearby Outback steakhouse. We were surprised to be asked if we wanted smoking or non-smoking seats. In Ohio smoking in restaurants has been outlawed for about two years now. We asked for non-smoking seats and got them, but a woman sitting in the smoking section, two feet from us on the other side of a partition, was legally and gleefully smoking her little lungs out, and naturally some of that smoke made its way over to our airspace. Not cool, Outback. Not cool.

J. and I set our alarms for 3:30 AM the next morning, hoping to be "out the door by four." We nearly made it, leaving the hotel at 4:18 AM. From there we drove to the Vienna Metro station, a trip which would have taken 20 or 30 minutes under normal conditions. Of course, with all the inaugural viewers, normal conditions did not apply. We finally got to the train station at about 6 AM.

After an hour's wait, we finally boarded a Metro train for DC. We got to our station at about 9:30 or 10 AM, much later than we'd hoped to. We made our way through the crowded streets and took up a position somewhat near the entrance where Silver ticketholders (the least desirable standing room tickets) were to be let in to the Mall.

Time passed, and it looked as though we weren't going to make it to the Mall area in time to see or hear anything. But at 11:20, ten minutes before the ceremony was to begin, DC police let the assembled throng pass through a gate. J. and I jostled through the crowd, trying to find a vantage point from which we could see anything.I would estimate that we were about one-third of a mile from the staging area. Through binoculars we could see the participants. Fortunately we were quite near a good loudspeaker, so we could hear everything just fine.

It was awesome to be standing on the Mall when President Obama finally took the oath of office. People were laughing, crying, hugging each other, applauding.

Having spent the better part of the last two days in lines and in huge crowds, J. and I decided to leave before the ceremony was officially over. We made our way back to the train station
where once again we had to wait an hour before we boarded our train. The ride back to Vienna was, of course, crowded. I had to stand nearly the entire way.

It was crowded, it was confusing, it was sort of expensive (what with the gasoline, the Red Roof's inflated rates, etc.), and we were cold and uncomfortable for most of the time. But it was well worth it. J. is a delightful traveling companion, and I want to thank her again for putting up with my petulance. It wouldn't have been nearly as rewarding without you.

Good luck, President Obama. And thanks for the tickets, Denny K!

$34 million

2009-01-19T21:00:00.001-05:00

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Dick got hurt

2009-01-19T20:54:00.003-05:00

Gee, that's too fucking bad:

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony.

White House press secretary Dana Perino said Cheney was helping to move into his new home outside Washington in McLean, Virginia, when he injured his back.

Moving boxes, my ass. He was trying to destroy evidence.

Maybe he can score some Percocet or Vicodin from his pal Cindy.

In DC

2009-01-19T20:31:00.004-05:00

My traveling companion and I made it to DC this morning, getting to our Metro train station by 11:15 AM. After trying with no luck to find an available parking space in one of the nearby lots, we parked at a metered space and tried to make sense of the instructions printed on the meter. Today is a federal holiday: do we have to feed the meter or not?

Fortunately for us, a kind cabdriver told us that yes, we would be ticketed or towed if we parked there without jamming about $20 into the meter, and showed us how to get to a nearby parking garage where parking was, can you believe it, free for the day.

Next we waited in line for about 40 minutes to buy Metro farecards for the day and for tomorrow. Once we bought the cards, a process made simpler by the kind assistance of a Metro employee, it took us only 30 seconds to walk down the steps and get aboard a Metro train, which whisked us into downtown DC within minutes.

A phone call to the office of our congressman Dennis J. Kucinich put us on the right path to finding the Rayburn House Office Building, where again a long line awaited us. But it moved swiftly, and soon we were greeted at the door by Kucinich's scheduler, who led us to The Kooch's congressional office. Kucinich himself, along with his wife Elizabeth, was on hand to greet everyone. We posed for photos with the dude.

Despite the long lines and crowds, everything went very smoothly. After we made our way to our hotel room, we went out to eat steak and vegetables like the good Americans that we are. We plan to leave the hotel room by 4 AM in order to get to our standing room spots by 7:30 or 8 tomorrow morning.

More later!

Bush League says goodbye

2009-01-19T20:17:00.006-05:00

On the last full day of the Bush presidency, and god damn how sweet is it to type those words, it is altogether right and proper that my friend Wyatt Reed should give us one last installment of his Bush League cartoon.

The panel above is a sort of coda to the entire series. Once you've read it, go here to read the final cartoon.

Off to DC

2009-01-18T20:48:00.002-05:00

As I've mentioned here before, I have tickets for the inauguration ceremony on Tuesday, and I plan to be there. My traveling companion and I have booked a room at the Red Roof Inn in in Manassas, Virginia, and hope to get to DC via the Metro. Officials estimate that there will be approximately eleventy jillion people in DC for the festivities, so wish us luck.

I'll bring my laptop and I'll try to blog from the road if I can. Otherwise, I'll post again late Tuesday or early Wednesday.

Our long national nightmare is almost over. So long, Bush! Go fuck yourself, Cheney!

Rhesus feces

2009-01-15T13:45:00.007-05:00

Stoopid monkey:

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP): Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

He probably just went down to Florida to visit his brother Jeb. If they just leave a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a trap, they ought be able to bring him in right away.

Thanks to frequent commenter RFdude for the news tip.

The pros and cons of animal ownership

2009-01-15T00:20:00.002-05:00

From Des Moines, Iowa, comes this story of an attentive cat and a clumsy-ass goat:

Firefighters say a cat is the hero and a goat is the goat in a house fire that destroyed an Iowa home this week.

The blaze in Warren County was believed to have been started by a goat that knocked over a space heater in an attached shed Tuesday and it might have proved deadly had the family cat not awakened the sleeping residents.

In defense of the goat, it's really not a brilliant idea to leave a space heater plugged into a socket in an unattended shed where animals can romp about. Still, if that had been my house, I'd be dining on roast goat once I found a new place to live. My friend from New Zealand eats goat meat all the time and she assures me that, when properly prepared, it is quite delicious.

Tea for one

2009-01-10T16:22:00.003-05:00

From Michael McIntyre's Tipoff, at cleveland.com:

In Westlake, police arrested an 18-year-old Avon man and charged him with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana.

His first name, Zeppelin, caused some chuckles as police assumed the kid's parents must have been big Led Zeppelin fans. Capt. Guy Turner said the suspect definitely wasn't in paradise after his arrest, but quipped that with the drugs he was apparently using, "He was at least two or three steps up the 'Stairway to Heaven.'"

Zeppelin, who lives with his brothers Skynyrd, Creedence, and Floyd, could not be reached for comment. A reporter named Dave who phoned the residence was repeatedly told "Dave's not here, man."

An observation

2009-01-04T19:52:00.002-05:00

Having worked only three out of the last eleven days has created a certain indolence which is going to be difficult to overcome.

Oh, Barkley!

2009-01-01T19:46:00.002-05:00

You irrepressible hound, you:

This may be the very best police report of 2008. When Charles Barkley was busted in Arizona [on Dec. 31] for DUI, he told cops he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to get some oral sex.

According to the officer who wrote the report, "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat."

The officer continues: "He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job.' He then explained that she had given him a blow job one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."

The Smoking Gun has more, including a copy of the police report.

At one point Barkley reportedly told the arresting officer that if he could get him out of the DUI, "I’ll tattoo your name on my ass." I think we've all seen that trick before.

Hell, I'm so old, I remember a time when rich celebrities used to hire drivers when they went out to get liquored up. They even used to go to hotel rooms when they wanted to have cheap, meaningless sex with women they picked up on the street, instead of "driving around the corner" to have it in their cars. How times have changed!

Happy new year

2008-12-31T16:25:00.003-05:00

The staff and management of Yazoo Street Scandal want to thank their readers and to wish them a happy new year!

At the start of this year I made a vow to myself to post on this blog every day in 2008. I had to fudge a few time stamps here and there (hey, sometimes I'm out past midnight), and I put up more than my share of lame posts, but I did make my goal.

For 2009 I am going to try to shoot for quality over quantity. That will mean fewer, but better, posts. Let's see what happens!

--AC

It's quite simple, really

2008-12-30T23:56:00.002-05:00

In a recent interview with that good grey lady of print journalism, the Casper Star-Tribune, Vice-President Dick Cheney was asked:

Q. How do you explain your low approval rating?

A. I don't have any idea. I don't follow the polls.

Oh, well, I do, so let me answer the question for you, Mr. Vice-President. You have a low approval rating because people accurately view you as a corrupt, power-hungry bastard who lies every time he opens his mouth, and who has consistently acted in the interest of rich white men and against the best interests of average Americans. Plus you have a goofy expression on your face most of the time, your wife's a hypocritical bitch, and you shot an old man in the face and you didn't talk to law enforcement officials about it until many hours had passed, probably because you were drunk off your ass on beer or Chivas Regal. People would rather eat fried shit than endure much more of your kind of leadership.

You're welcome. Let me know if I can explain anything else to you.

Best of 2008

2008-12-29T23:12:00.004-05:00

The blogger Jon Swift recently asked everyone on his blogroll to select what they consider to be the best post from their own blog in 2008. What's more, he even invited some people who are NOT on his blogroll to participate.

The result? Dozens of bloggers, from the brilliant to the banal, responded to Swift's invitation. It's a fascinating look back at 2008, and a chance to reread some real gems, including Tbogg's evisceration of Ralph Nader voters, The Rude Pundit's full-throated post-election "fuck you" to some people who truly deserved it, Melissa McEwan's kiss-off to some asshole named George, and many more. Even better is the chance to check out some posts you may have overlooked, such as Comrade PhysioProf's tutorial on how to blog good.

My own contribution, a meditative piece on the novelty of an utterance about a certain act performed in an inflatable igloo in France, is also included. And if that's not enough to get you to click over there, Swift has thrown in some LOLcats created for the occasion. Why, he's thought of everything except free balloons for the kids!

You can read Swift's year-end roundup here.

Heckuva job

2008-12-28T21:27:00.002-05:00

Finishing 4-12.

Losing their last six games of the season, the last two by getting shut out.

Using five different quarterbacks, and seeing their top three each get injured.

Ending the season by not scoring an offensive touchdown in their last 24 quarters. That's six full games with only one touchdown, and that on an intercepted pass run in for a score.

A general manager who's already been shitcanned, and a head coach who is about to be.

Heckuva job, Brownies.

From "Bad Newz" to good news

2008-12-27T23:22:00.003-05:00

The cover story of this week's issue of Sports Illustrated is devoted to a look at what happened to the dogs that former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick had been abusing at his "Bad Newz Kennels."

Thanks to the efforts of organizations such as the ASPCA and the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, nearly all of the abused dogs found at "Bad Newz" are still alive today, and are being cared for by loving, knowledgeable people. While many of the dogs will need to live at animal shelters for the rest of their lives, some of the dogs will ultimately be adopted by caring pet owners.

Read the Sports Illustrated story here.