Happy new year

The staff and management of Yazoo Street Scandal want to thank their readers and to wish them a happy new year!

At the start of this year I made a vow to myself to post on this blog every day in 2008. I had to fudge a few time stamps here and there (hey, sometimes I'm out past midnight), and I put up more than my share of lame posts, but I did make my goal.

For 2009 I am going to try to shoot for quality over quantity. That will mean fewer, but better, posts. Let's see what happens!

--AC

It's quite simple, really

In a recent interview with that good grey lady of print journalism, the Casper Star-Tribune, Vice-President Dick Cheney was asked:

Q. How do you explain your low approval rating?

A. I don't have any idea. I don't follow the polls.

Oh, well, I do, so let me answer the question for you, Mr. Vice-President. You have a low approval rating because people accurately view you as a corrupt, power-hungry bastard who lies every time he opens his mouth, and who has consistently acted in the interest of rich white men and against the best interests of average Americans. Plus you have a goofy expression on your face most of the time, your wife's a hypocritical bitch, and you shot an old man in the face and you didn't talk to law enforcement officials about it until many hours had passed, probably because you were drunk off your ass on beer or Chivas Regal. People would rather eat fried shit than endure much more of your kind of leadership.

You're welcome. Let me know if I can explain anything else to you.

Best of 2008

The blogger Jon Swift recently asked everyone on his blogroll to select what they consider to be the best post from their own blog in 2008. What's more, he even invited some people who are NOT on his blogroll to participate.

The result? Dozens of bloggers, from the brilliant to the banal, responded to Swift's invitation. It's a fascinating look back at 2008, and a chance to reread some real gems, including Tbogg's evisceration of Ralph Nader voters, The Rude Pundit's full-throated post-election "fuck you" to some people who truly deserved it, Melissa McEwan's kiss-off to some asshole named George, and many more. Even better is the chance to check out some posts you may have overlooked, such as Comrade PhysioProf's tutorial on how to blog good.

My own contribution, a meditative piece on the novelty of an utterance about a certain act performed in an inflatable igloo in France, is also included. And if that's not enough to get you to click over there, Swift has thrown in some LOLcats created for the occasion. Why, he's thought of everything except free balloons for the kids!

You can read Swift's year-end roundup here.

Heckuva job

Finishing 4-12.

Losing their last six games of the season, the last two by getting shut out.

Using five different quarterbacks, and seeing their top three each get injured.

Ending the season by not scoring an offensive touchdown in their last 24 quarters. That's six full games with only one touchdown, and that on an intercepted pass run in for a score.

A general manager who's already been shitcanned, and a head coach who is about to be.

Heckuva job, Brownies.

From "Bad Newz" to good news

The cover story of this week's issue of Sports Illustrated is devoted to a look at what happened to the dogs that former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick had been abusing at his "Bad Newz Kennels."

Thanks to the efforts of organizations such as the ASPCA and the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, nearly all of the abused dogs found at "Bad Newz" are still alive today, and are being cared for by loving, knowledgeable people. While many of the dogs will need to live at animal shelters for the rest of their lives, some of the dogs will ultimately be adopted by caring pet owners.

Read the Sports Illustrated story here.

Airing of grievances

One of the three great traditions of Festivus is the Airing of Grievances, in which one tells one's family and friends about the ways they have disappointed the grievance-airer in the past year.

I went to a Festivus gathering earlier this evening. We didn't actually do any Airing of Grievances there, but if we had, I might have told one of my best friends that his continued refusal to admit to his substance abuse problem, and to try to overcome same, has been a huge disappointment to me and to the rest of his friends. His conduct at the Festivus party was erratic and embarrassing to witness. Furthermore, if he doesn't take steps to turn things around, we're not sure he's going to be around to celebrate Festivus next year.

We love the guy and we want him to get better. He surely can't be happy with the way things have been going. If he is, we assure him that he is the only one.

An ironic use of Christmas iconography and electronic glitter

I stole the horrifying graphic above from a post I made last year, at which time I stole it from some other dude.

Theft. It's what's for Christmas. I hope yours has been a good one.

Bill "Smoochie" Gordon, 1925-2008

This isn't exactly timely, as he died a week ago, but I did want to comment on the passing of Cleveland radio and television personality Bill "Smoochie" Gordon.

He worked for various Cleveland radio and TV stations at different times from the 1950s through the 1980s, occasionally quitting or being fired. At the peak of his popularity in the early 1960s he left Cleveland for California, but a few years later he came back to town.

I was never a listener, having been too young during his heyday, and not interested in personality-driven radio when I was coming of age. But I remember that my mom was a big fan of his. She used to listen every chance she could.

A few years ago, Gordon, then in his early 80s, happened to be at my place of employment to meet someone there. I was introduced to him, and found him to be spry and lively.

"My mom used to listen to you all the time," I told him.

"Is your mom still with us?" Gordon asked me.

I told him that she was, and he said "Can you get her on the phone?"

I could and did. "Mom, it's me," I told her. "There's someone here who wants to say hello to you."

Having asked for my mom's name before I placed the call, Gordon was ready. "Is this Eleanor?" he asked.

"Yes, it is," my mom said. "Who's this?"

Instead of answering, Gordon replied with his once-famous catchphrase: "Stay smoochie, you rascal, you!"

Despite not having heard him on the air for at least 20 years, my mom instantly knew that she was talking to Bill "Smoochie" Gordon. It made her day. It was a kind gesture on Gordon's part, and one clearly not done for self-aggrandizement. He just wanted to say hello to a former listener. I was mighty impressed with Gordon that day.

When I learned about his death, I figured I owed it to him to tell this story and to bid him rest in peace. Stay smoochie, Bill.

You can see more photos of Gordon at the Cleveland Memory Project website.

A Christmas miracle

Although I can't fully endorse this work until he takes care of the typo in the sixth panel, August J. Pollak, also known as Some Guy With a Website, has a comical take on a holiday classic in this week's edition of his cartoon.

"I've actually made a few records in my day"

Each December I like to post a link to what may be my favorite blog post of all time: Mark Evanier's account of the day that Mel Tormé was serenaded by Christmas carolers at the Farmer's Market in Los Angeles. It's a great story, and Evanier tells it well.

Please go over there and read it, and check out the rest of his blog as well.

Shopping daze

Man, was it ever cold today. But I had to get my Christmas shopping done, and so I went out and did it.

I hope everybody likes Speedway gasoline cards and Browns jerseys with the name DORSEY lettered on the back, because that's what everybody's going to get.

Four Christmases

This evening I stepped out on the town with a woman whom for purposes of, oh, let's say national security, I shall identify only as J., and the two of us saw the film Four Christmases.

As you know, because you've seen television commercials for this film about every fifteen minutes for the past month or so, Four Christmases stars metrosexual hunk Vince Vaughn and the lovely Reese Witherspoon. They portray an unmarried couple who, rather than deal with their dysfunctional family members each Christmas, go instead to places like Fiji. But wouldn't you know it, one year their plans go awry, and they are forced to spend part of Christmas Day at the homes of each of their parents. Old wounds are picked at, and old demons are brought to the fore. Wacky mishaps occur. People argue with one another, then make up. Babies spew all over the place. A casserole of bologna, mayonnaise, and potato chips is prepared. Old women lust after men half their age. Children kick grown men in the nuts. It's a comedy! Roll with it!

Four Christmases isn't the best film you'll see this year, unless the only other film you've seen all year is this one. But hey, it does sport five, count 'em, five, Oscar winners, and it delivers its share of laughs. Consider the pathos as a bonus.

After the movie, J. and I went to a world-class restaurant for conversation, coffee and peachberry pie. Yes, that's right, peachberry. Peaches and berries living in sin underneath the same crust! It's wild, I tells ya! Wild!

Line, please

Dennis Perrin has a great post up about the fourth season, 1978-1979, of Saturday Night Live, recently made available as a 7-DVD set.

Perrin observes that much of the energy and attitude of that season's humor was fueled by cocaine, which was commonly used by most of the performers and writers on the show during that time. Truth be told, back then even many of the people watching the show at home were doing so with a mirror, a vial, and a rolled-up $20 bill on the coffee table in front of them. Of course what seems funny to coked-up writers and performers, and to a coked-up audience, probably seems less so to a straight person:

Some of the humor is cheap. Much of it is inspired, though a certain meanness comes through. When you watch these shows in bulk, comic aggression is immediate.

I have fond memories of watching some of the shows from that season, especially the one featuring Devo as the musical act. When it first aired in the fall of 1978, I watched it with my then-girlfriend and my best friend. As the spudboys launched into their spastic take on "Satisfaction," my buddy and I were transfixed.

"These guys are great!" we said to one another.

"These guys suck," said the then-GF. Right then I knew, for the first time, that she and I might not make it as a couple, which was borne out a few weeks later when she dumped me for a professor at the local college. He probably liked Rupert Holmes.

He's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, people like him

Despite the premature victory ejaculation of Senator Norm Coleman (Douchebag-MN), it looks as though the new year might usher in the start of the Al Franken decade:

The Minnesota state canvassing board has spent this week reviewing disputed ballots, which either side is arguing should be counted as a vote for themselves or not counted for the other guy. The board spent the last two days almost entirely on Franken's challenges, and is now getting started on Norm Coleman's.

We now have a good idea of the merits of Coleman's ballot challenges, a crucial missing piece of the puzzle here: They mostly stink, and Coleman is doing much worse than Franken did when the board was reviewing Al's challenges over the last two days.

If this math continues—which seems likely, but could go either way—Franken will very likely win.

Please, Jebus, let it be so.

The main problem

Today on the east side of Cleveland an ancient water main, reportedly built by the Romans in the year 40 A.D., burst, causing a whole hell of a lot of water to flood the surrounding area. Eventually things got so bad that several local businesses and institutions found themselves without water, causing them to close.

My employer was among the afflicted, which meant we got to go home at 9:30 AM, while being paid for a full day's work. If you think school kids get excited when a snow day is called, that's nothing compared to the glee expressed by full-grown men and women who find that they get to go home six hours before their shift ends.

But the fun won't last forever. It's back to work for us tomorrow.

Inauguration tickets? Yeah, I've got 'em

A few weeks ago I wrote to my Congressman, Dennis J. Kucinich, to try to obtain two tickets to the upcoming presidential inauguration. Remember that? I got this reply:

Thank you for contacting me regarding ticket requests for the Inauguration Swearing-In Ceremony on January 20, 2009. We have received your request and have added you to the waitlist. Please be aware that the waitlist does not guarantee tickets to the Inauguration Ceremony as Congressional Offices are allocated a limited number of tickets for their constituents. Please also be aware that we are receiving a large volume of requests and will do our best to accommodate as many people as possible.

Based on that response, I didn't expect anything. But today I got this email from someone in The Kooch's office:

Hello Anthony:

We are pleased to let you know that you will be receiving 2 tickets for the Inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama on January 20, 2009. It will be a day to celebrate and we expect everyone will be in good spirits. That being said, up to 3 million people are expected to arrive in Washington, DC for the festivities. To make your visit as pleasant and memorable as possible there are a number of specific requests/requirements/rules that you will need to observe on the day of the Inauguration.

Holy shit! I'm in!

So now all I need to do is to find lodging near the DC area during the most in-demand time of the year. Should be a snap, right?

I can't tell you why

The Eagles beat the Browns tonight, 30-10.

Eagles quarterback Glenn Frey went 18 for 25 with two touchdown passes. Eagles fullback Joe Walsh ran for 135 yards and one touchdown, and Don Henley contributed three field goals, including one from 61 yards out. On the other side of the ball, defensive back Timothy B. Schmidt led the Eagles with five tackles and three quarterback sacks.

"It was another great performance by the Eagles," said coach Bill Szymczyk. "Tonight they played as well as they did back in the glory days of the late 1970s."

The Browns, who face the Bengals next week, fear a strong offensive performance from their quarterback Susanna Hoffs. Some reports indicate that Browns coach Romeo Crennel is trying to sign former Eagles tight end and current free agent Don Felder before next Sunday's game.

Duck, you sucker

From USA Today:

President Bush quickly ducked when a pair of shoes were hurled at him Sunday, but the protest showed it will be tougher to sidestep anger over the war here.

"This is a gift from the Iraqis. This is the farewell kiss, you dog," shouted Muntadar al-Zeidi in Arabic as he threw his shoe at Bush during a news conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The shoe narrowly missed the president's head.

796

Joe Posnanski recently made a case for why Rickey Henderson ought to receive 100% of the votes to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Posnanski notes that among Henderson's many achievements:

Rickey Henderson walked 796 times in his career LEADING OFF AN INNING. Think about this again. There would be nothing, absolutely nothing, a pitcher would want to avoid more than walking Rickey Henderson to lead off an inning. And yet he walked SEVEN HUNDRED NINETY SIX times to lead off an inning.

He walked more times just leading off an in inning than Lou Brock, Roberto Clemente, Luis Aparicio, Ernie Banks, Kirby Puckett, Ryne Sandberg and more than 50 other Hall of Famers walked in their entire careers …

I simply cannot imagine a baseball statistic more staggering.

Neither can I.

The day the Earth stood still

I haven't cared about this one for my entire life, but somehow I care even less about this version.

I do, however, like this song.

A man named Murray

The other evening Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics fame sent a simple text message to Chris Hastings of Dr. McNinja fame. As fate would have it, that act resulted in Hastings's encountering none other than Bill Murray, who accepted an invitation to sing karaoke with Hastings and his friends.

Apparently Murray's been doing a lot of this kind of thing ever since his recent divorce. And why not? It beats the hell out of hanging around coffee shops with my laptop, which is what I did after mine.

Ebert v. Stein

Earlier this year Visine pitchman and noted wingnut Ben Stein narrated a documentary called "Expelled," the aim of which was to make other wingnuts feel good about their belief in creationism and their disdain for science. The film took in about $83 at the box office, and was roundly denounced as being—how shall I put this?—a vapid piece of shit.

Roger Ebert recently got around to reviewing the film. He took Stein to school, as you might expect. Check it out.

An observation

Granted, it's not like I'm outdoors digging a ditch for a living, but a workday that begins at 8 AM and ends at 11:10 PM is one mighty long workday, don't you think?

I have been at my workplace for 14 hours and I still have more than an hour to go. In the words of the immortal Snoopy: bleah.

Random Flickr-blogging: IMG_4481

IMG_4481, originally uploaded by wojtek6801.

"I love Aunt Sally too, but let's face it, this is the lamest pop-up book ever!"

IMG_4481, originally uploaded by ntenny.

"Okay, now unscrew the top of the light fixture, and I'll hand you a new bulb."

IMG_4481, originally uploaded by Peter Bodik.

"What just happened in there? I went in to get a steak sandwich and a bottle of beer, and instead I walked out with a bag of cotton candy."

Explained.

Too much fun

That's what I'll be having this Friday when I go hear Bill Kirchen and his band Too Much Fun perform at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland.

Never heard of the guy? Well, you probably have without knowing it. But check out this video:

Culinary report

Like a lot of Americans, I eat a lot of stupid shit. I go to Arby's, for example. But one thing I have learned to stay away from is McDonald's Chicken McNuggets. I hadn't eaten those things in years, having decided that they taste like ass.

But today I was visiting my mom and my brother-in-law stopped by. He was hungry, and he went to McDonald's to get a snack (the same McD's, incidentally, from which I was fired more than 30 years ago, on the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving). He came back to the house with thirty Chicken McNuggets. He'd ordered and paid for a ten-pack, but the McDonald's employees gave him not one, not two, but three ten-packs.

So: free McNuggets. My brother-in-law gave each of us a ten-pack and a little container of chipotle barbecue sauce. I took a McNugget and dipped it into the barbecue sauce. Verdict: McNuggets with chipotle barbecue sauce taste like chipotle-flavored ass. Even at the low, low price of free, these things are not fit for human consumption.

So if you have a brother-in-law, and he offers you free Chicken McNuggets from McDonald's, it may seem as though he has your best interests at heart. But do not succumb to the temptation. Walk away from the table, and go to Arby's instead.

Amigos, assholes, whatever

From our friends at the New York Times comes this happy news:

The election is behind them but the three amigos—Senators John McCain, Joseph I. Lieberman and Lindsey Graham—are still jetting from place to place. Only now it is across South Asia.

South Asia? That's a good place for those three guys.

What's that? They're coming back home next week?

Shit.

Waterside

I got nothin' again today, so I'm going to go to the YouTube vaults. My friend Wyatt wrote this song and dedicated it to his father. It's a pretty good song, made better thanks to Jan's backing vocals:

Out of time

For the past few years, I've been accustomed to augmenting my meager income by working overtime one night a week. It's indoor work, no heavy lifting, and if they wanted to pay me time and a half under such circumstances, who was I to turn it down?

Well, today an email went out from The Brass: come 2009, no more overtime, at least not for cash. The only exceptions are for jobs deemed essential to the public safety, and I can assure you mine isn't such a one. 2009 will be a year for belt-tightening at Cartouche Manor, if indeed I can hang on to the Manor in the first place.

So if you see me hanging around the local thrift stores or soup kitchens, or simply ordering the Wendy's single combo instead of the double, please don't judge me. You, my friend, may be the next to suffer.

Meet depressed

So David Gregory is going to take over the helm of NBC's Meet The Press, replacing the temporary host Tom Brokaw, who in turn has been replacing the late Tim Russert. I guess young Luke is still a little too young.

As Bob Cesca reminds us, Gregory is responsible for this piece of shit, for which he has yet to apologize.

Hurry up and wait

A few weeks ago I emailed my congressman, The Honorable, The Unforgettable, The Lovable Dennis J. Kucinich, to ask for tickets to the inauguration ceremony in January. Today I got a response, sort of:

Thank you for contacting me regarding ticket requests for the Inauguration Swearing-In Ceremony on January 20, 2009. We have received your request and have added you to the waitlist. Please be aware that the waitlist does not guarantee tickets to the Inauguration Ceremony as Congressional Offices are allocated a limited number of tickets for their constituents. Please also be aware that we are receiving a large volume of requests and will do our best to accommodate as many people as possible.

I'm guessing the Browns have a better chance of making the playoffs than I do of getting inauguration tickets from The Kooch.